“I have coined the term ‘Discuss the Undiscussabull’ ™ which is the bull in the middle of the family business living room, and no one wants to talk about it.

As a coach, I use the talking stick, a beanie baby bull which family members pass around at random when they wish to speak. The person holding the bull gets to speak without interruption.

This method works well for drawing out the conversation of the quieter members of the group. I also use Undiscussabull cards which are simply bright yellow index cards. As I listen to the family or couple, I write down one word on the card…TRUST, FAIRNESS, INHERITANCE, POWER, CONTROL, DEBT, RECOGNITION, CONFLICT STYLE, etc. These cards then are the personal pack for the family to use as discussion starters in their business meetings around succession or transition planning.

It is a way for me to keep track of the key issues, and a way for them to name the main issues that are keeping them stuck. Although is sounds very much like being in ‘kindergarten with flash cards’ it is a very effective tool to keep the conversation focused on the issues, confirm the issues with new couples on the family team, and not waste time talking about the weather!

I use my flipchart to illustrate conflict resolution skills like intent, action, and effect, and always ask the family for the goals they have for our circle meetings with the bull. At the end of the session I summarize the flipchart visuals and notes, to send a summation to the family to continue discussing at their next meeting. My goal is to model a way to have fierce conversations (Susan Scott’s term), in a safe place. The stress toys I provide for squeezing, the cards, and the toy bull all help add an element of play to a very hard discussion.

In a nutshell, that is what I am called to do. I just did this in a presentation format last week at a Hutterite colony, with men and women in their dining room. When I pulled out a roll of toilet paper to remind them to be hard on the problem, but soft on the person, just like toilet paper…they got the message!”

Elaine Froese, author of Planting the Seeds of Hope
Professional speaker, and coach

Boissevain, MB

Canada
www.elainefroese.com

Send your moose hunting stories and related experiences in dealing with difficult issues to me at Jim.Clemmer@Clemmer.net.

Send your moose hunting stories and related experiences in dealing with difficult issues to me at Jim.Clemmer@Clemmer.net.